Saturday, December 03, 2005

Did you call me earlier on? "No." Why am I not surprised.

Feeling depressed. I am under the inpression that someone doesn't check around here anymore. I feel a slight disinterest from that person. I hope it's only my PMS acting up. BUT. Yesterday was one of my worst nights. It may be a small matter to someone, but to me, I felt like I was not deserving, or had no right to care or to be interested or concerned in that person's wellbeing. Makes me feel like shit. I don't know if it's his way of being strong or whatever, but I just feel shut out. An outsider.

My friends say it's rare that I get calls everyday. But why do i feel........ so oddly unhappy? I can only feel sweet and happy for awhile while I'm preparing stuff for him, but the person doesn't seem to have much time for a conscious conversation. Well, the feeling of not wanting to care more than the other person or rather, needing someone more than they need you does really suck. Why do I always put myself in these positions? I should really learn to care less.

Once again, sometimes daily calls can mean nothing, yet certain minutes on certain days can mean the whole, and of course, certain nights make me feel like I am nothing. I'm trying to remind myself that the person doesn't mean to make me feel this way, but it still doesn't help me feel better. It's really hard to let the person closest to you understand sometimes.

gwen blogged at 9:53 PM